Have you ever wondered what was the “right thing” to say to a family with a special needs child? We live in such a hyper-sensitive society that oftentimes we clam up when we don’t know the right thing to say. Maybe you’ve felt awkward around a special needs family at church, not wanting to say something that could come across as hurtful.
God blessed my wife Dianne and I with four amazing children: Bethany, Kaylee, AJ, and Peyton. Our son AJ has autism as well as several other neurological issues. As a family in the ministry with special needs, we’ve experienced both sides of the coin in dealing with what can be awkward conversations about special needs diagnoses and living. But the good news is that there are lots of great ways you can encourage the special needs families that you meet. Here are six ideas that can foster healthy conversation as you connect with special needs families.
1. “How can I help?”
Most special needs families are trying to keep their heads above water at any given time. An honest offer of help can be a Godsend at just the right time. Whether it’s helping by being a taxi driver for a day, sitting with the family at church to help with “crowd control”, or simply by providing a listening ear, you’ll find that most special needs parents will take you up on your offer at some point if they feel you’re being genuine.
2. “I love how your child _______________.”
In life, our flesh loves to dwell on the negative. We can become enamored with things that aren’t as we think they should be. Even with our own children (special needs or not), we can focus on the negative so much that we miss the positive. Just like a penny can block out the sun if it’s too close to your eye, much of life is about our perspective.
We love it when folks tell us about AJ’s positive characteristics. “I love his smile” is something we often hear. Find a positive trait that the child portrays and compliment them. After all, they’ve been “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14). You’ll find several wonderful qualities if you take a minute to look.
3. “I’m praying for you.”
One of my favorite verses about praying for others is Philippians 1:3: “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.” It’s a reminder that when someone comes to mind, I should take a moment and lift them up to the throne of God.
What an encouraging thing for a special needs parent to hear these four words: “I’m praying for you.” There’s just one small problem with this statement… if you say it, you better make sure you’re actually doing it! A promise of prayer without the follow- through is simply an empty platitude that’s said to make YOURSELF feel better, not the other person.
4. “Is there anything I can pray with you about?”
This question is an offshoot of the previous statement, but it’s an important addition. Special needs parents have a multitude of difficult choices to make, particularly in the first year. They need wisdom. Pray James 1:5 FOR them (“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”), and ask them if there are any particular prayer requests you can pray about WITH them.
5. “How are your other children doing?”
Special needs siblings are incredible! We are so blessed that our oldest daughters Bethany and Kaylee adore their brother. Peyton, who is six, doesn’t fully understand AJ’s struggles yet, but she’s quite a pal to him too. Yet, despite their love for their brother, they can sometimes get lost in the shuffle with all the time and attention AJ needs. Asking about the welfare of our other children is a welcome opportunity for us to discuss our love for our other precious kids.
If you want to go the extra mile, offer to take one or several of the children out for coffee, ice cream, or the park. Some of our girls’ favorite memories are of dear church folks who have taken them on little “side trips” like these and made them feel so loved. What a blessing!
6. “How are you?”
I’m not talking about the glib opener to a conversation that we often say without any mindfulness. I’m talking about a purposeful statement to ask a special needs parent how they’re doing.
Be careful! If you ask, they may answer! Be prepared for a real, unvarnished response that may not be exactly what you expected. We special needs parents are typically very aware that we don’t want to sound like complainers, but it’s wonderful when
we have the opportunity to share our heart with someone that is willing to listen and not make hasty judgments. Exemplifying a spirit that’s “swift to hear and slow to speak” is a gift that’s priceless to a special needs parent (James 1:19).
In the end, if you’re not sure what to say, it’s ok! There’s really not a script that you need to memorize. Simply show compassion and the love of Christ, and you’ve gone a long way to being a blessing to a special needs family!